again and again

I have two minutes to post before my Internet shuts off, and you know what, I am adjusting unexpectedly well to this internet limit, which goes to show how fluid your needs and wants are.

In any case, there’s no time to put up a proper update except I kind of just want a timestamp of this very moment in which I am hovering on the precipice between happiness and otherwise, and I genuinely can’t tell where I am, anymore. Is it the strange, familiar surreal foreigness of this place, this place I have not quite learnt to call my home or my country even though I walk around pretending that I have, or is it the people, too-bright fascimiles of those I knew before, or – is it just a headache that’ll eventually go away?

On the other hand, I cooked earlier. It wasn’t bad, though the spices did not quite taste like claypot, but the people who tried were fairly enthusiastic about it, so there’s that. On another entirely unrelated note, I wished people would stop say i’ll be better and just be. I don’t need you to advertise it.

So that was last night, and I didn’t actually manage to post before the Internet stopped, but. The stupid thing is I vaguely remember everything I had to do back in RJ, all the multiple assignments and deadlines and training and whatnot, and the amount of sleep I was getting, and how much sleep I’m getting now (I slept almost nine hours last night, a nap of 2.5 hours and then actual sleep from 3 AM – 9.15 AM) and logically speaking, I should be replete with free time, I should be reading so much more (it’s taking me far longer than justifiable to get through Niall Ferguson’s The Pity of War, though it is very good, and he’s lecturing at Harvard, can you imagine) and doing so much more and is it just the subtle, insidious stress of being in a foreign environment? when do I have to stop using that excuse? This is so incredibly stupid. I feel like I’m failing, but not by any external standards, because I know enough not to be affected by them; it’s my own standards that I’m so terrified of falling short of.

Secondly, I’m so minorly irritated now because last night my wrists started itching, and it looked like hives, which would be so ridiculous but the cold made it easier not to scratch them, and they were gone this morning but now my thighs and arms are itching again (I can feel the raised mosquito-like bumps D: ), and that’s so not cool; also, the sun is out with a vengeance, and I love the sun here, and it was supposed to be miserable and rainy the entire weekend, but I cannot ignore the sun like this especially if it’s going to be the last summer-y weekend ! Yet I have a week’s worth of undone homework, and I know I could do them tonight after Internet switches off, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to muster the willpower to stay up. I think it’s the lack of people.

I want to go kayaking later. I want to sit in the sun I want to – OKAY IT IS DEFINITELY HIVES, YAY ME. RESIST THE URGE TO SCRATCH KAREN.


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