Instrumental music stresses me out entirely, I think; I’m in such a horribly pressed mood right now, and I consider it solely Singapore’s fault that I function best under pressure (homework, at least), that I need motivation in such forms. IDEK – I am reading this PHD comic strip now and it isn’t really helping matters and sometimes I want to bury and kill myself in academia and sometimes I think what’s the point, seriouslyI had such a terrible math test day, notwithstanding the admittedly inadequate hour of revision I did last night on trig graphs, and I don’t know why I’m been so completely helpless and frantic during math tests recently, because it isn’t as though I don’t know the stuff, c’mon, and it should be fine, right, but I’m not used to – I’m so tempted to say failing, but that’s not as true as I would like it to be.

On the other hand, apparently my English essay was unmarred brilliance (which I so do not believe; my Lit essays never are) but Libby repeated it before I could ask, and I feel like I want a second opinion because I’m uncomfortable with the lack of constructive criticism while at the same time, I feel like it’s an odd sign of betrayal D: Stupidly, I just want my achievements to be felt commensurate with my efforts and acknowledged but unexclaimed over, to be observed and let go. There are moments I feel like it’s incredibly childish to come here and compare the standard of classes to Raffles and sulk over every little difference, because that defeats the purpose entirely, right, but I also feel like I already know, if not what I want to do, then what I don’t want to do, and that’s my attitude with math and bio in particular, because while it’s all very good to learn for the sake of learning and all that, having compulsory strands of disciplines in the IB also negates that a little, because if I don’t need math ever, learning trigo graphs isn’t learning for the sake of learning; reading about theories of math would be, but not drawing trigo graphs repeatedly, and if you want us to take it under the IB, you’re basically saying the point is to do well on the IB exam, (and we are so not being given enough guidance to do that D<)

This degenerated into ranting, I’m sorry ): IT’S MOSTLY THE TRAUMA OF THE MATH TEST. I need to be a better person.


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