this isn’t as clever as it could be, but it is very true. i usually don’t like my confessional poetry so blatant and artless, but this hit me multiple times and pulled me into the poem before i could help it.
I am not a dreamer like I used to be.
I don’t know if I believe in great things anymore
but that doesn’t mean great things can’t happen. When it was
April 7:30 and the sun was just going down and the streetlights
were coming on and the children were out in the streets
the neighbors with their dog, slapping at his mouth
while he barked, the two of us on the porch drinking something
on ice I don’t remember but I remember the cold of it going down
I remember asking St. Francis for the birds just a little bit longer.
These days it is more St. Anthony I call upon saying I think I have
lost my soul I think I have lost what I want to say, saying Tony, Tony,
Tony, please come around. The trees are so stark against the sky
today I feel a bit like I am living in a picture which is to say
I feel surreal and held in one place and held tenderly by the hand
of someone I once knew, folded and tucked away by someone else,
placed in one of those boxes we all have where we put
the things we cannot let go of, the things we want to keep
but not see, nor need to, and I think the heart is like that sometimes
that it holds distantly to what it might as well just let go.
I tell myself a thousand stories about myself. I tell myself You are
a good man, you are a bad man, you are wasting your life,
you are doing something right. From one day to the next
I am in love with myself or I am looking at myself disgusted
and tired of all the bullshit I repeat to one person after another
– Tulips, Clay Matthews
courage has always been my aspiration, so if anything more, i resolve this year to be not be more, exactly, just steady in the little things. Reply emails and comments sooner. Tell people when I like something they wore or did or said. Be okay with rejection. Be more open, willing. Say yes to more things, but remember that it’s okay to say no sometimes, too (just not too often). Also: be more impulsive. Read more, read harder. Do things that make me happy. Stay up late just to talk, sometimes. Remember that the people around you are from other parts of the world. Go swimming. Have moments just to myself. Think less, think more.
2011, here I come \o/