Surprisingly, got some of myself back today, like an unexpected postcard in the mail. I could – can feel it. I woke up with the usual greyness, and the weather mirrored it, but I dragged myself out of bed, and things looked up. I am not too ashamed to say there was a crying jag yesterday, curled up in a corner at my desk, desperately clicking through tumblr for happy thoughts. It took twenty pages and a dozen saved graphics on my desktop, but it worked.
UCAS personal statement writing workshop terrified me into low-grade nausea today. I am developing a dangerous attachment to Oxford PPE – there, I said it – to the point where I’m not sure I want to go anywhere else in the UK if I don’t get it, to the point where I can entertain the thought of just UCAS-ing to one university, one course. Maybe it’s time to stop being smart about my choices and go after just one ? But I know I won’t. I remember borrowing philosophy books from the RGS library, that distinct act of scanning through the first two shelves, hands cool on the grey metal. But there are other realities too, and how much of this inexplicable yearning is the old colonial mentality, The History Boys, the castle, the ceremonial gowns and the colour-coded corsages? What use is my passion in philosophy if it’s up against all my other quirks of character, the inertia, the need for tangible validation of productivity. I was talking to someone yesterday and he said he’ll take a gap year and go work at Whistler, a skiing resort around Vancouver, because he snowboarded three days last Project Week and the feeling is sublime. That sounds lovely and exciting, as lovely and exciing as Oxford or university, just – something different, Different.
Conventional wisdoms are clashing in my head again. To be free to fail, to ‘fail’ – to drop everything for what you want – to have competing, equally valid wants, and choose between them, and thus the person you will be – to swap out Sartre’s radical freedom for de Beauvoir’s situated one. I don’t think I’m going to apply to NUS, in retrospect. What’s the point in having a safety you know you don’t want to come back to? Suddenly the options I have been considering, the government scholarships, the bond, NUS Law, have just fallen away.
I like wearing heels for occasions.