If I let my mind still, there is a distinct draft of panic, stress, fear. The spikes.
(Less than an hour – and things were easier when I didn’t expect to even have a shot. How realistic are my chances, really?) Then again, this is just one admission test in what will be a long list of others, and it doesn’t guarantee anything, in any case. It’s just that, I’m not sure where else I would want to go if rejected, even though there are other places I want to go. I suppose it’s just the meaning of rejection, though I generally shrug those off fairly easily, at least in academics.
At least it’ll be a fun test – the questions are interesting, and breaking down the essay questions was almost exhilaratingly thought-provoking. All I have to do is remember that, and put myself in the Right Frame of Mind. Reading poetry, listening to Bright Eyes, excerpts from George Eliot.
Though the anticipation is … exciting, of course.
Among other things, I have had a great two days, which is, you know, great. A marvellous philosophy presentation on The Other yesterday, which resulted as well in finally, a glimpse of understanding of the almost mystically elusive field of phenomenology, and to have gotten the class genuinely interested and engaged in what turned out to be an hour-long presentation was very, very encouraging, especially seeing the flickers of aweish wonder that mirrors exactly how I felt when I understood what the philosophers were saying. But in general.