Pearson / Updates

there’s a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you’re around

My previous entry was made while I was decidedly not in full possession of my faculties.

In any case, it is 12.30 am now, and I do think I shall be nipping off to bed in a little while, probably after I finish this post, notwithstanding the fact that I woke up at 5.30 pm, after 19.5 hours of sleep (yes, from 10.30 pm the night before.) GG woke me up and it was dark out, so I asked her what time it was, and she said 1 am, and I freaked a little, because I’ve never slept for longer than a day. But it was just past five. In comparison, that didn’t sound too bad.

In my defence, I only managed 1.5 hours of sleep the night before that. It was the last day of school before winter break, and the atmosphere felt ridiculously final, ceremonious, especially because during the Christmas dinner, most people dressed up, and then there was the choir, and at the end, all the second years had to find a first year and tell them something nice (an endeavour I personally found awkward) and after that, we gathered as a group and sang – well, in a rough approximation of singing, considering more than half of us didn’t know the words to it – Stand By Me to the first years, because during block week, they gave us cookies and hot chocolate every night, which was beyond lovely. The first years laughed and clapped, and then someone yelled group hug! and there was a minor rush, which nearly pushed the little piano over. It was unexpectedly heartwarming to feel that sense of connection to the first years as a group, because the general idea at Pearson is that you don’t treat someone as a first or a second year, but as a Person, and I think because of that, you lose that sense of ownership and responsibility towards the first years, because you assume full autonomy on their part. But sometimes the fact that first years often feel wrong-footed and out-of-place on campus, simply because it’s their first few months or year, is undeniable. It took me my second year to realize how much more comfortable I am, and that really, a major part of the problem last year was simply the feeling of alienation I had. After that, we had a musical cafe, in which some people sang some of the usual departure songs like Leaving on a Jetplane, which was premature, I felt, but overall, it all contributed to a feeling of finality akin to the end of the last year, which left me a little out of sorts, I confess. I felt dispirited, so I went to finish packing in my darkened room at 11.30 pm, and then a few of my closest friends on campus came to say goodbye, and it made me so much sadder than was really justified, or that I expected. Winter break lasts three weeks – that’s simply 21 days. I had no idea where the sorrow came from. I went to work it out on the piano for two hours, and afterwards had a crazy half an hour with three other people before two of them had to leave on the 3.30 am bus, during which we were all dizzingly tired and disoriented and nothing made much sense but everything seemed uproariously funny.

Even though I had plans to sleep early and not send anyone off, I found myself at the 5 am bus, in any case, and then after that I went to bed at around 6 am, and woke up at 7.30 to finish packing, do my house duty and catch the 9 am bus to downtown Victoria. After the sadness of the previous night, it felt amazingly nice to be (relatively) alone and scheduleless, and also workless (at least for these few days). My mom and my brother are coming to Vancouver on the 20th, and my dad on the 23rd, which would be lovely, I think, even though I have no idea where we’re going yet. Between now and then, I am staying with a host mom with two other co-years, who is a twenty-minute walk from downtown and has a breathtaking view of the Pacific Ocean and the Olympia mountain ranges rising out of the horizon, and both during the day and at night, it is a lovely sight. Also, you see seaplanes take off and land almost every quarter hour. I love those contraptions.

I think part of the reason for the sudden reluctance to leave campus, the strange moroseness, is the awareness of the imminent end hitting. This is, in a way, the beginning of the end. The first half of second year is over, and after the break, the second half will begin – the last term we have at Pearson, the people there. Also, I suppose, the end of 2011 – which has been an overwhelmingly eventful one. But the prospect of leaving – this term has seen me get closer to a lot more people, and for the last few weeks, at least, I have found a healthy and positive headspace that has given me the ability to enjoy the place. Knowing how last year went, the next term is going to pass so quickly, and then it’ll be all over, and as excited as I already am to start university, I need to make use of this sense of urgency to motivate me the next six months. Just as I have moderate plans this winter break (read, study German/French, get a good start, if not finish, my history IA and finish my Common App), I have moderate, little goals for next term – which are probably more or less the same as last year’s. A new one might be to not skip my activities. To start talking to people, not necessarily force myself to talk to people I don’t want to, but to make myself talk to those I want to, but am just too lazy to visit. Stop indulging myself. Start reading the news daily. A part of me wishes I went back to Singapore for winter break this year, because right now, I don’t intend to spend long in Singapore over summer, and if everything goes well, I’m very likely to spend September in Europe, and my visa in Canada lasts till August, so I want to spend at least a month working here, and that’s in addition to my kayaking trip, if I go on it in June. Also, I’m missing the post-As celebration! But in any case. There are so many things I want to do over the summer I haven’t even begun to figure them all out.

Also, thinking of moving, once again. This LJ has been predominantly for the people at home, and I think maybe it’s time to change that ! The purpose that LJ held for me is now mostly gone, too.

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