back at long last

I feel – felt good tonight, or earlier, or today. There are so many things I wish for myself to be this term, but mostly I think – as it coalesced in my mind while I was using my new fountain pen (!!) in my Moleskine Le Petit Prince diary, which I’m probably not supposed to mention publicly – I have made the decision to be happy, non-judgmental, open, easy-going. But mostly happy. This is my last term, and I want to have fun with it, to be able to leave elated and exhausted and bittersweetly satisfied to see the end of Pearson. I don’t know how I’m going to do that yet, not exactly, and I worry that not only might I don’t accomplish all that or even half as much, but I’ll be okay with the failure at the end. But no matter, this is my resolution at the moment.

I suppose in a way, I reconnected with more than a few people tonight and talked to more than a few, in the returning euphoria – even the people outside of Pearson. I’ve been trying very hard to figure out what my problems in Pearson were, not for its sake but to figure out solutions. I need my private space, I guess, and this term, I’m just going to find it or make it myself, instead of lamenting its lack. Before winter break, I supposed I needed a direction, too. Pearson was what I wanted the beginning of 2010, pretty badly, though not desperately, and I got it, and it was like, for the past year, what next? What next? My spontaneity apparently applies only to the short term. I need purpose.

This grounding – I suppose I’ve also resumed some contact with people from home. Last term – and all its baggage – is over, and it seems like three steps forward, two steps back sometimes, but at least the steps are all heading away from the wreckage, which is all I can ask for. I don’t know what it is about my friends from home but there is that bedrock of stability that holds up our relationships, and I’m so grateful for that, even as I am letting my definitions and boundaries of friendship change slowly, into one perhaps less measured by the extent or nature of my affections than the reality of our mutual actions.

Onto more mundane matters, it has been a lovely, worryless day. I spent a few hours reorganizing my life, including throwing out half the clothes in my wardrobe I kept weakly insisting I wear!!! and arranging the rest into neatly delineated piles, as well as arranging my pantry. Yes, I have a veritable pantry in a drawer under my bed. Today at Save on Foods, I bought a 4kg pack of pasta, a giant jar of pasta sauce and a 1kg bag of garlic. Mmhm. All I need to do now is to sort through my academic things.

Also, sorting through all my things has pushed me to instigate a ban on shopping in the near future. I definitely can’t buy any more shower things, no matter how alluring The Body Shop discounts and scents are, and I won’t buy any more bulk foods at all, until I finish my pasta and rice and various sauces, and I definitely refuse to buy more clothes, honestly. Honestly.

I think I’m going to email a couple of people, and then head to bed. Happy, Karen, happy; happiness is an attitude!

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