From blossoms comes
this brown paper bag of peaches
we bought from the boy
at the bend in the road where we turned toward
signs painted Peaches.
From laden boughs, from hands,
from sweet fellowship in the bins,
comes nectar at the roadside, succulent
peaches we devour, dusty skin and all,
comes the familiar dust of summer, dust we eat.
O, to take what we love inside,
to carry within us an orchard, to eat
not only the skin, but the shade,
not only the sugar, but the days, to hold
the fruit in our hands, adore it, then bite into
the round jubilance of peach.
There are days we live
as if death were nowhere
in the background; from joy
to joy to joy, from wing to wing,
from blossom to blossom to
impossible blossom, to sweet impossible blossom.
Have another one, just because.
Whether the residual effects of fatigue or lingering disappointment, it has been a few mediocre days. The timing of my last post (specifically, the part about university decisions) is admittedly awkward in light of the fact that I was rejected by all three US universities I applied to, and so find myself heading to the UK in October, instead. It has been a minor awakening of sorts, and I am still sifting through the various thoughts I have on that note. At its heart, I don’t find the decision unfair or unreasonable (which is not to say that my opinion counts for much on this score), and what it represents, for me, is the dichotomy between UK and US education, and more importantly, what that implies for me as a person. I don’t remember who it was I told recently that I think my ambitions and my character may be slightly contradictory, if not mutually exclusive. I don’t like group dynamics, enforced intimacy, resume padding, artificial bonding, bureaucracy, corporate politics, even as I recognize their expediency. I don’t like doing things for the sake of getting accredited. I don’t like networking or pretending to like people I don’t or coming up with meaningless initiatives. But maybe I should, if I want to be part of the decision-making process. Maybe that’s the price I have to pay, for that.
It could be the context, too, the lack of public and private spheres on campus. In any case, this is making me take a good hard look at myself, my direction in life and the steps I need to do that. Increased, intentional student involvement in university is certainly an desirable option. Sometimes, I half-hope that I’ll wake up one day and realize that I’ve become an adult who laps these things up. I was joking the other day that it was 50-50, I meet someone at university, fall in love, get married, have kids at 25 and become a homemaker, never to set foot in the working world again. I have such a propensity for that that it actually scares me, because from this vantage point, I’ll feel like I’ve wasted a fair bit of potential.
It’s been a complicated few days, and people haven’t necessarily been helping. It could be said that I’ve been brooding.The Hunger Gamestoday was good, but nowhere near-deserving of the hype surrounding it, I don’t think. Made noodles from scratch last night. Had a couple of great conversations with people. More than anything from the people here, I want them to call me out on shit I do or say or think. I think these things about myself all the time but they lack external moral authority.
Tired and going to bed. 10 pm!!!