Second night back, and that childish, whiny part of me is berating myself for having returned so early. It was mostly family, but – now I’m already looking for a way out. Or maybe I’m still looking for a way out, but it’ll pass, and I’ll settle back in. Could be the jet lag talking, too, but subconsciously I think I am holding back from reaching out for the solace my bones crave, and I don’t know if it’s the best thing to do. I’m aiming to find a job by the end of this week, and then things should get busier, settle, pass.
Very abstractly, last night I was struck by the realization that all my most contradictory thoughts were not logical processes, but singular observations of my emotional states, which are by definition irrational and non-linear, and that’s why it’s so difficult to reconcile them with an overarching explanation. Switching from a rational, Enlightenment view of existence to the post-modern, chaotic rejection of it, then. I’ll take peace of mind, a grateful respite from turmoil, however I can get it.
Obsessively refreshing my FB helps only minimally. Nothing eases me into slumber safely except fatigue and 8tracks, sometimes. I suppose part of it is the atomistic unavailability of everyone home, and as hard as I have clung to my friendships here, of course life has moved on new trajectories. There is a new bicycle rental booth in the park next to my condo. My family’s bought two new carpets. People are overseas. These are so very inconsequential details.
Today I spent two hours studying French, and forty minutes watching HIMYM, and six hours sleeping (4+2), instead of the curling-up-into-a-ball thing I wanted to do. I’m also sorry to say that I do derive life and romantic lessons from HIMYM; this probably does not bode well for my future.