a shout into the void

I am continually dogged with this unswerving sense that I am wasting my days away. I haven’t cracked open a book in like, a week and a half, or something. Partly it is the lack of routine, and my chronic absence of discipline prevents me from being able to adhere to my own schedule if no one – or nothing – imposes it on me.

That said, while I am excited about starting work relief-teaching on July 30th – if I even start, seeing as I have yet to sign any contract – I am also wary about what that means for my free time. I don’t want to go into college exhausted from summer work, after all.

This article on Why Women Still Can’t Have It All should, I think, be read by all ambitious women. Maybe even all women, in general, by which I mean that small segment of women who, as the author observes, has choices. It is very, very long, but incredibly well-written and incisive and substantial, and the author has impeccable credentials. It was very inspirational, too, in a way and to an extent I can remember few things in my past year being. Spending four formative years in a girls’ school leaves an imprint, and reading the article right after my Secondary Four class reunion was serendipitously affective. In RGS, I was taught that I could do anything, my gender notwithstanding, and so it has never felt like an obstacle, being female. But the article raises genuine concerns about the practicality of parenting and working simultaneously, and offers levelheaded, insightful comments about work-life balance, and the realities of struggling to achieve it. On a broader note, it invokes questions about life choices, too, because there is a section on the importance of choosing the right partner:

   Sandberg’s second message in her Barnard commencement address was: “The most important career decision you’re going to make is whether or not you have a life partner and who that partner is.””

More than that, of course, questions about kids, relationships, etc. I don’t want kids now, but that is because I see the word ‘kid’ as synonymous with weight, and rightly so, but it is not inconceivable that I should find myself in a position where I do want them, biological or adopted. The one thing Pearson has done for me is to reorient my perspective so that I now take travelling, and working internationally, and the constant movement that implies, as the norm. I don’t imagine – or at least, I don’t want to be – staying in the same place for very long, and I would expect my work to take me places, every month. The tragic fatality underlying these dreams is more than evident, I suppose, at least to my child eyes. I can only anticipate acclimatizing more and more to frequent arrivals and departures. The freedom to choose is a double-edged sword.

There is something unpleasant stuck inside my back pocket. I think there was a sweet in there and I accidentally sat on it, and it oozed everywhere. Yes, I felt like I had to share that.. This evening I also had the pleasure of joining a foreign language immersion dinner, and so I was given the opportunity to feel wholly inadequate about my French and to stutter Anglo-Saxon sounds hoping they resemble actual German words. Fun, though. Some interesting people. Where you go to school does define you, a little, at least in people’s perception of you.

I can’t seem to go to sleep before 2 am, these days.

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